Sometimes you become addicted to bad feelings. Whether it’s obsession or sadness or hatred or anger, you become addicted to feeling that feeling. You tend to it, stoking the flame, because that feeling is what you know. It’s familiar. And what if it goes away? Then what?
Will you feel worse? What if you feel worse? Or what if you feel nothing? If it goes away and you feel nothing, will it be a betrayal to your past? And what will you do to fill your time if you don’t have a fire to tend?
It can be overwhelming to someone who has only known a particular sort of behavior that has led to a particular sort of feeling for so long.
The truth is there is a much better feeling out there.
And you are the only one who can find it for yourself.
I know, gag me with a spoon, right? You’ve probably heard that so many times you’ve lost count. You’re rolling your eyes at me now. You’re thinking I just don’t understand. You’re thinking you could be happy if you just had that person or that job or that house or that news article or that praise or that attention.
You’re thinking, “Writing depressing poetry makes me happy.”
You’re thinking, “Spouting anger and riling up crowds makes me happy.”
You’re thinking, “Staying home, alone in my room, makes me happy.”
Or maybe you’re thinking, “Gaining followers on social media by using negative behavior makes me happy.”
That’s fine. But I see it as an addict, rationalizing addict behavior. One day, I hope you’ll let all that go. When you do, you’ll feel clear-headed. You’ll find joy in the ordinary. You’ll feel true happiness. You’ll sit back and say, “WOW, why did I hang on to such destruction for so long?”
You’ll feel relief, and it will be grand.
Right now, you’re sitting on the fence and you don’t even know it. It’s an unhealthy limbo, to you and the people who love you. Climb down and make a decision to find happiness in your soul.
And the next time you climb up on a fence, let it be in peace, to admire the view.
All text and images © Jennifer Crouch